Monday, May 20, 2013

Ghostwriting Life

This probably isn't the post I was going to write.
I actually didn't know what I was going to write, just had a vague idea.

Ten seconds ago, however, while staring at the screen, I realized that Raine (my MC in Hosanna House) and I have been learning one of the same lessons.

Being: you have to find your path, your direction, and follow it. Don't let other people control who you are or what you will become.

People, beliefs, and circumstances take hold of Raine and try to force her into a mold not of her choosing and try to melt away her identity and her freewill, like taking a rock and smelting out the gold, then throwing the gold out and keeping the stone.

People, intentions, circumstances, and sometimes myself have taken hold of me and tried to make me someone I'm not, a person I was never created to become. Tried to put me in a cage, to wrap a choke-chain around my neck. It nearly killed what makes me, me.

Today my mom and I were talking and she said, "You're different than you were even this winter. You know what you want in life and aren't going to let anyone stop you. Not in a selfish way, just, you've found your own path now, instead of trying to go along with other people's paths." 

I don't completely know myself yet, but I know myself much more than I did five, even two, months ago. I've learned that this life is my life. For better or worse. God is the author of my story, but He lets me ghostwrite. He sets up the outline, then hands me the pen.

I'm ghostwriting my life's novel. I've looked at what I can see of the outline -- who I am, the talents I posses, the passions and things that inspire me -- and that is where I am directing the plotline.
While the people in my life do throw in a twist here or a word there, I can't turn my pen over to anyone else, or allow anyone to take it from me, and let them do the writing.
While the people in my life encourage and support me, or let me down and stomp on me, whichever happens (and both have), I have to "Keep Calm & Carry On,"  keep writing.

I have to ghostwrite my own story, walk through and rise above. 
Nobody can do that for me, or make it happen for me. They can help me, but they can't live my life for me. I can't do that for anyone else, or make life happen for anyone else. I can help people, but only within a limited sphere-- I can't live another person's life for them. People cannot completely fulfill my needs for love and validation and worth, and I cannot completely fulfill those needs for others. We may be able to come pretty darn close, but in the end it's only the Creator that can totally fill the created.

Regrettably, I had to learn this the hard way, but I'm better for it. Now the only things standing in my way are my own tendencies to procrastinate/lose drive (and algebra. algebra stands in my way. it will be exterminated.).  
When you reach the point where you know what you want your future to look like, and you know how to start going about it....when you know your path, when the only things holding you back are within yourself and surmountable...when you choose your direction for the sheer love of it...
It's not easy, but it's amazingly freeing.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
 - E. E. Cummings 

Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire.
 - St. Catherine of Sienna

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.  
- C. S. Lewis

Every man dies. Not every man truly lives. 
- William Ross Wallace

We're all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?
 - the Eleventh Doctor 

And now I think this post has actually morphed into the sort of thing I had originally hoped to write.
Imagine that.